My Scuba Story by Mandi Mac

My introduction to scuba diving was via a three month fling with a dive master. Our first romantic weekend away to the coast was actually to be experienced in a caravan enclosed in a non water-proof reed hut. It rained all weekend. Ian was to take a group of 12 people to a reef somewhere in the ominous grey restless sea. I watched from the comfort of my er leaky caravan as twelve people standing in the pouring rain pushed and heaved themselves into tight smelly neoprene suits and then puffed and stumbled carrying their heavy breathing equipment onto the rubber dinghy and head off into the sunset.

I just don't get it I mumbled, biting into a rusk and taking a sip of my tea. That night the twelve were all showered and fresh in the bamboo dining area and I heard the whoops of laughter and applause as someone shared how the bumpy sea ride in the boat made them so sea sick that twenty meters under water, they puked in their regulator (their oxygen supply to their lungs!) and how the parrot fish swam around them and ate it all up. Everyone laughed and laughed and slapped their thighs. I just don't get it I mumbled, swirling my now unappetising bolognaise sauce around on my plate.

Three years later, my new boyfriend with no previous knowledge of my relationship with dive master, bought me a scuba course for Christmas. He was very hurt when I asked if I could exchange it. No, he exclaimed, this is a memorable experience for us to do together and never forget. Sigh. But I just don't get it I mumbled.

One week later, I found myself in a small deep pool, where the dive instructor was teaching us to take off our weight belt and put it back on, at the bottom of the pool. I took off my belt and popped to the top like a champagne cork. Just before taking a big gulp of air, my instructor pulled hard on my fin to pull me down again. But I had taken the regulator out of my mouth nanoseconds before, so water quickly filled my lungs. My recently taught under water sign language for "no air" suddenly resembled every possible rude hand gesture in rapid succession. After my coughing and spluttering subsided and I was able to speak, my dive instructor was told in explicit terms what to do with my weight belt at the bottom of the pool and where to shove this scuba course.

Later that night, lying in bed and eating chocolate (OK, so I was a tad premenstrual) the phone rang and it was my dive instructor. Maaaaaaandi helloooooo. Don't say anything, just listen to me. The reason you popped up so quickly is because your suit is too big for you. I know you think you are saving money by borrowing your friend's wetsuit, but this is why you need to hire one from us...I KNEW it! I snarled! You just want more....MAAAANDI, he interrupted, I will let you hire a suit from us for free, if you just promise me that you will come for a one on one private session in the pool tomorrow, in the right suit. Come on now, one on one, you and me, one on one, come on Mandi, you and me. But I just don’t get it I mumbled.

A few days later, I was all snugly suited up and told to jump into a brown watered dam. The charm of Bass lake is not only it's sunken school busses, metal grids and other "fun" obstacle courses, but the masses of floating lumpy algae duck doo doo in colour and texture. What we do for love and obligation I thought.

A week after that and it was time for us to finally we hit the big ocean. It was a clear beautiful sunny South African day. Nine of us put on our gear and then fell backwards into the warm sea. Before even getting my buoyancy right, I noticed someone shoot to the top and clamber onto the boat above us. As it turned out, his dive buddy did not notice this, nor did my boyfriend. Nor did my boyfriend notice that despite her blonde hair, the abandoned diver had size triple E breasts and was obviously not me. But, in a flash, they paired up and swam off to catch up with the crowd. I was aghast and suspended in space and time and realised that my calling his name under water was as pointless as trying to catch up to them. But what choice did I have? The ocean is a big place you don't want to be lost in. So for the next 45 minutes, I heard my own shrill muffled screaming of his name in my ears, until I realised they will never hear me, in which time I changed the screaming to calling the bimbo every bitchy adjective I could think of. Suddenly they stopped swimming and pointing and thumbs upping each other, looked at their watches and ascended to the boat. I was hot on their heals, er fins. Where did you go? He asked all innocently. Actually I friggen drowned but a mermaid gave me mouth to mouth. But wasn't the dive amazing he cooed? Actually I just don’t get it! I sneered.

Once everyone was back on board, all chatty about the clown fish (Nemo's) they saw and, ooh did you see the turtle blah blah blah. I ignored everyone and snapped at the skipper to just get us back to land, pronto! We were racing along, sea spray in our faces when suddenly the skipper stopped and pointed to movement in the ocean 20 metres away. DOLPHIN! Everyone grabbed their fins and masks and jumped over board, swimming furiously in their direction, including double E. I was still trying to get my one damn stupid fin on, when the skipper shook his head, chuckled and told me to just stay on the boat as I will never catch up with them now.

Minutes were dragging by while we bobbed up and down, listening to the shrieks of delight in the far distance. I had to pee. So I fell backwards once again, habitually holding my nose and eyes tightly closed despite wearing a mask. I opened my eyes and there were two dolphins less than 15 cm away from my face. I didn't breath. I couldn't move. I was in AWE. They looked at me, straight into my eyes and then slowly swam around me. I needed air. I came to the top, took a quick gulp and then looked under water again. They were slowly (as if waiting for me) swimming to their friends. I was swimming above them, snorkelling but watching their playful antics below. I saw a pair of legs in front of me and recognised them to be my boyfriends. Both dolphins swam between his legs and he didn’t feel or see them.

And just like that I got it. Scuba Diving is an essential ingredient to your life experience on this beautiful planet. Thank you to all who knew this and persevered with me.

Mandi Mac